There is a vitality, a life force, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique, and if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium; and be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is, not how it compares with other expression. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open.

Martha Graham

I have always loved this quote and I'm trying to live by it more and more all the time. Putting yourself out there is a pretty tough thing to do - what if people don't like what you do, or think that you are stupid, or what if your work is no good?

The trouble with worrying about whether other people think you are good is that it can stop you before you even get started. What is the point of creating if you are no good at it. Why would you draw, paint, write or act unless you are brilliant in your first attempt? Well, I have to wonder why would anyone would expect to be good in the first place and why being good even matters.

There's this myth that artists are born inherently talented and that they were always skillful from the start. It's a lie. Damned lie.

Vincent van Gogh, for example, drew thousands of drawings to perfect his skill and wasn't always sure why he persisted (some of the early drawings are really quite bad and did not hint at the fact that someday he would create some of the world's most treasured masterpieces).  But, persist he did - mostly because, as he wrote in his letters to his brother Theo, "I cannot tell you how happy I am that I have taken up drawing again. I had been thinking about it for a long time, but always considered it impossible and beyond my abilities."

Did you catch the important part there - it made him HAPPY!!! It did not matter that he died before the world knew who he was - living a creative life was it's own reward.

When I was watching the Academy Awards last night, my favorite moment was Michael Giacchino's acceptance speech when he won the Oscar for Best Original Score for the Movie Up. It's short, thanks to the 45 second time limit so I'll post it in its entirety here:

"Thank you, guys. When I was... I was nine and I asked my dad, "Can I have your movie camera? That old, wind-up 8 millimeter camera that was in your drawer?" And he goes, "Sure, take it." And I took it and I started making movies with it and I started being as creative as I could, and never once in my life did my parents ever say, "What you're doing is a waste of time." Never. And I grew up, I had teachers, I had colleagues, I had people that I worked with all through my life who always told me what you're doing is not a waste of time. So that was normal to me that it was OK to do that. I know there are kids out there that don't have that support system so if you're out there and you're listening, listen to me: If you want to be creative, get out there and do it. It's not a waste of time. Do it. OK? Thank you. Thank you."

Sandra Bullock also mentioned in her acceptance speech that her mother always told her that, "to be an artist, you had to practice every day."

The only thing that I would add to that speech is that you don't have to be a kid. I don't care how old you are - get out there and do something fun and creative. Be brave enough to fail and make a fool of yourself. I make an fool of myself all the time and I can tell you from personal experience that nothing all that terrible really happens and it's pretty liberating.

Nobody knows what's right for you, except you. If I had asked any of my professors in grad school whether it would be a good idea to post cartoons on my blog they would have flipped out. In fact, at the last Canadian Psychological Association meeting there was a psychologist I respect very much who talked about why psychologists shouldn't blog at all. Obviously, I respectfully disagree, and I draw cartoons and write blog posts because it is fun and I enjoy it and it feels right. I've also met some really interesting people as a little side benefit - so that's cool.

The point is - you only become a writer by writing, a dancer by dancing and artist by practicing your craft and deepening your skill. If you believe that you have to be good from day one you are doomed to failing before you even start. There is plenty of research to show that people who have the belief that you are either born with or without a talent don't achieve nearly as much as those who believe that with practice that you can become good at math, art, science, or whatever tickles your fancy. People who believe that everyone needs some help learning a new skill and are willing to see a tutor, therapist, coach, nutritionist or a personal trainer are even more likely to succeed.

If you want to read more on this subject some of my favourite popular books are Mindset by Carol Dweck (probably one of the best books to change your mind about what you are capable of achieving), Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell and Ignore Everybody by Hugh MacLeod (who is also blogging about his upcoming book Evil Plans that sounds interesting).

If you want to challenge your belief that you can't draw - pick up the New Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain Workbook by Betty Edwards. Basically, if you have the motor skills to trace a picture, you can learn to draw and the exercises in the book train you to see like an artist.

My drawing is so rusty, I should really do it again myself. I used to have no trouble sketching a quick portrait and now I don't think I could do one if my life depended on it (most of the art I have been doing has been abstract or doodling cartoons). At least I know that with practice and time I could get back my drawing skills.

I also love Art from Intuition by Dean Nimmer and The Spirit of Drawing by Connie Smith-Siegel. I adore the children's book The Dot by Peter H. Reynolds about Vashti, a girl who thinks she can't draw and her wise art teacher who encourages her to, "Just make a mark and see where it takes you."

Michele Gunderson at Language of Yoga is also brilliant at teaching people to stop silence their inner critic and have fun while writing. You can try out some of her workshops or teleclasses and some of the books on writing she has recommended to me include Writing Down the Bones by Natalie Goldberg and Writing Alone and in Groups by Pat Schneider.

Whatever your medium, why not dare to do something new and out of the ordinary this week? Try something a little scary and creative for a change. Dare to be awful and see where it takes you.

Have you ever tried to stop thinking? Couldn't do it could you? The reason you can't is that you are not the one doing the thinking. Think about it - if you were the one doing the thinking then you would be able to stop it, wouldn't you?

We can take over the reigns and do some of the thinking when we need to - like when we have a report to write or are having a conversation. But, for the most part, it is our brains that are doing the thinking. Once it gets quiet, that's when the brain takes over and starts having its own little dialogue. This is similar to breathing - we can take a deep breath when we want to but for the most part the body is doing the breathing for us.

This is due to the fact that we are constantly bombarded with words throughout the day. We are either talking, listening to others talk, watching tv, listening to the radio or hearing the words in our heads when we read. When it's quiet and nothing else is happening for us to focus on the language centers of the brain will continue talking whether we want them to or not. Basically, our brains don't know how to shut up (unless we have a stroke in our left hemisphere as Jill Bolte Taylor describes in her now famous TED talk).

There are many other examples of the brain doing strange things like this throughout the body. If you have ever worn a ring for a long time and taken it off (or you could try it out now) you will have noticed that you will still feel the ring once it is missing from your finger. This is due to the neurons (or brain cells) that are now used to feeling something there, firing on their own when the sensory input from the ring is gone. The feeling that the ring is still there is sort of all in your head - but not in the way that you usually use the term.

Another example of this phenomena is commonly referred to as phantom-limb pain. When somebody has an arm or a leg amputated, they sometimes can still feel the missing limb. This is thought to be due to the neurons the somatosensory cortex responsible for receiving signals from the missing limb firing on their own and generating intermittent sensations that the arm or leg are still there. Unfortunately, these sensations are often painful.

Basically, the brain has a mind of its own. It can make us feel things that aren't there and think thoughts that aren't true.

This is most obvious example of thinking unwanted and untrue thoughts occurs in people with obsessive-compulsive disorder. When you have OCD, you know your hands are clean but you can't stop the thought that you need to wash them again and again (or keep cleaning, or checking, etc). The difference with OCD is that you know that you shouldn't be worried but you can't stop yourself from having the thoughts. We have all had varying degrees of this experience. The most common one being unable to get a song out of your head (which, by the way, is more problematic for people with OCD).

Other thoughts can be brought on by our mood. When we are depressed, we find it difficult to remember our good qualities and find it hard to believe that things will ever get better. When we are stressed it can seem that there is danger at every turn. When we are angry, it seems that everyone is deliberately trying to make our lives difficult. When we are happy, it is easy to let bygones by bygones. In fact, it is almost impossible to ever remember being angry in the first place.

Regardless of the sort of thought that pops into our heads there is one thing all thoughts have in common - none of them are true. Not a single one. Seriously.

Now, it's important to remember that thoughts are not facts and you need to know the difference between the two if you want to be happy. Here are some examples:

Fact: You lost your job.
Thought: Nobody will ever hire you again and you will die alone and destitute.

Fact: You got dumped.
Thought: You are unlovable.

Fact: You fail an exam.
Thought: This is terrible. I'll never amount to anything.

Fact: You don't have plans this Saturday night.
Thought: I'm such a loser.

If you believe everything that you think you are in deep trouble. There are a number of books that can teach you how to not believe your thoughts - I've listed some in my recommended reading section on my website. The book I use most frequently with people is Mind Over Mood by Greenberger and Padesky. If you want to learn more about your brain, one of my favorite books is The Mind and the Brain by Jeffrey Schwartz. It can be hard to learn on your own - especially if you are struggling with anxiety and depression - but it mostly takes practice, practice, practice. You have to think of each negative thought as a weed in a garden and you have to pull them out one by one. It's surprising though, how one by one, you can feel better and better as you challenge each of your problematic thoughts.

The process does become more automatic over time. When a ridiculous thought pops into your head (you will know this by the jolt of adrenaline that your body will shoot out) you can tell yourself, "Well, that can't possibly be true," and be done with it. It's important to remember that although we can't control what we think, we can control whether or not we believe our brains.

Forget sex or politics or religion, loneliness is the subject that clears out a room. 

One of the most damaging things we do to ourselves, by far, is to suppress who we really are in the core of our being. Some go farther than mere suppression and do everything in their power to alter their preferences and their personalities to make others happy, to force themselves into good jobs that that they hate, and become better people.

Choosing be yourself is not for the faint of heart. Some of your friends and family might need some time to adjust to the real you. You may have to quit your job (and join the circus). You may start saying "No" when you would usually say "Yes."

I wish that I could tell you that I had some magical psychology trick to make this process easy but I can't. You can only become yourself by practicing - in the real world - what feels right to you. Although you can start with easier things such as saying that you want to see a certain movie and then gradually build yourself up to telling your parents (in a kind and calm manner) that you appreciate their concern but you are going to live your life the way that you want. Parents are probably the hardest for most people in terms of setting boundaries.

Now, I'm not saying that you should turn into a jerk and only do what you want. Doing what feels right is a little more subtle. It may feel right to lend one friend a large sum of money and quite wrong to lend someone else a smaller amount. It might feel right to pitch in and help your team with a task you normally don't like doing when they are trying to meet a deadline and wrong to do the same thing for a co-worker who always dumps the dirty work on your desk.

Basically, if you are getting a sick feeling in your stomach on a daily basis, that is a warning to make some big changes. Your gut will always tell you the truth about whether you are living your life in a way that is right and healthy for you. The hard part is actually listening and following through with what you already know you should do.

When I was at ABC in the '70s, I thought I was a total failure. Some of the things that were written about me were horrendous.  Then I got a wonderful telegram: It said, "Don't let the bastards get you down," signed John Wayne. I had to work my way back, and that's when I did some of my best interviews.

Barbara Walters

Over the years, I've had many people try and predict my future for me (how kind of them, right?). The vast majority of these people were supportive and hoped that wonderful things would come my way. A few others were a little less kind.

One prof when I was an undergrad predicted that I would never get into grad school. He had a big problem with the fact that I had an anxiety disorder and simply wrote me off (nice coming from a psyc prof too!). When I graduated, I applied to eight schools and got six acceptance letters (the two other schools gave different reasons - the supervisor I wanted to work with at one school wasn't taking any students that year and the other school claimed they never received my application when I followed up). So, technically, I wasn't rejected! Ha!!

One high school teacher predicted that I was too anxious to "succeed" at anything. I actually think my anxiety was a big motivating force in my life. Perfectionism can come in handy at times, and as long as you don't impose your ridiculous standards on anyone else, then you can actually go quite far.

My boss at Starbucks (yes, I worked at the Starbuck's on Robson and Thurlow in Vancouver when it opened 20 years ago!!! Yikes!) predicted that I would never hold a job down because I was such a hopeless employee with an attitude problem. Okay, maybe that one is true. I really don't like working for anyone but myself. That is why I'm in private practice now (and loving it!). So, maybe that one was really just some good advice :-)

The point is, nobody goes through life without having to endure someone who thinks that they know what's best for us. They dole out the free advice (that isn't so much advice as thinly veiled judgment and deconstructive criticism) and get angry at us if we don't follow it.

Now, as soon as someone gets mad at you for living your life in a way that's right for you, you have to wonder about their motivation? What would drive someone to be so overly preoccupied that they would take your decision to ignore them personally?

There are a couple of possibilities here. One, they have your best interests at heart and are really, really (maybe overly) worried about you. This is, hopefully, the category your parents fall into.

The second possibility, is that their ego got bent out of shape because you don't worship the ground that they walk on and that they aren't so much predicting your future as wishing that terrible things will happen to you.

Not pretty, I know, but it's important to see reality for what it is sometimes. People get jealous, burned out, feel insecure, stressed out, emotionally exhausted, frustrated, scared, powerless, and more.

One good friend of mine, who was more aware than most when he was beginning to lose it, told me that he would stop marking students' papers when he started to have the urge to write sarcastic comments in the margins of their essays. His students were lucky that he knew when to call it a night and not take his fatigue out on them.

It takes a lot of practice to stay patient and calm when you are at the receiving end of someone's judgmental advice, but if you want to be happy you really have no choice. Nobody gets through life without bumping into someone who thinks that they know better than you.

Now when somebody tells me that I'm about to make a mistake that I'm going to regret my usual (smart-ass) response is, "You're probably right but I'm doing it anyway."

If anyone ever tells you that they've never gossiped - they either have a really bad memory or they are lying. We are fascinated with each other and all have taken part in talking about someone when they are not there.

I'm as guilty as anyone else and even though I work really hard to keep my mouth shut I haven't always been successful. The problem isn't my desire to break this terrible habit, it's just so insidious and difficult to change.

The trick to improving your success is to practice, practice, practice being mindful of every word that comes out of your mouth. It's not something that you can just decide to stop. Instead, you need to set the intention that you will not talk about anyone (positive or negative) unless they are in the room with you and if someone starts gossiping to you that you won't participate.

My favorite suggestion of all time for ending the conversation quickly is to say something like, "Wow. That's unbelievable! I wonder if she knows that rumour is going on about her. Let's ask her if it's true." Or you can just change the the topic.

If you really want to work on breaking this habit I have also found that Marshall Rosenberg's Non-Violent Communication very helpful (see my earlier blog post Inner Peace Talks). After all, gossip is the epitome of violent communication. It can be extremely hurtful to others , ruin reputations (including that of the gossiper), and destroy friendships.

One of the best ways that we could make the world a better place is if we could work towards not talking about each other and focus on becoming better people ourselves.

He's a bit confused by all the changes and doesn't know what to make of us yet. He's very sweet and he hangs out near us, has started to follow us around the house and yesterday he started getting close enough to sniff us. We're patient - we're just letting him watch us, get used to us and eventually, hopefully, he'll trust us.

He's getting along great with our other dog Sophie (who some of you might know from the days that she's accompanied me to my office). Usually, I bring Sophie along if I'm working with a child who is afraid of dogs (she's a four pound maltese puppy who isn't too intimidating) but now she is being recruited to help Max adjust to his new home. Every now and then Sophie helps Max forget that he's supposed to be afraid and they start playing and tearing around the house. It's pretty cute.

What has struck me about this experience are some of the differences between helping people and helping dogs with anxiety. Dogs live in the present moment and once they learn how things work, that they are safe and know their place in the new pack they are ready to join in and be part of the family. They don't get stuck. They don't ruminate. They don't beat themselves up.

In contrast, when we humans are anxious and have been through a rough time we make matters worse for ourselves by doubting and blaming ourselves, believing that others are out to get us or that the world is a cruel and unforgiving place. We get stuck in the past and become fearful of the future instead of appreciating the reality of the present moment. Basically, we make things harder for ourselves than they need to be.

I guess this is the main reason why I love helping people clear their heads and see themselves as they really are - wonderfully imperfect and as deserving of love and compassion as anyone else. My hope is that one day we can all learn to love ourselves as much as our dogs do...

Come on! You know you wanna do it. You know - make a list of impossible changes that you want to make and then feel terrible about yourself when you fail yet again. It's the best way to kick off the New Year, isn't it? You'll be in good company too! Gyms are always busy this time of year. Diet centers are eagerly awaiting the end of the holiday season. Nicotine-gum sales are through the roof (I'm guessing).

Everyone is psyching themselves up for changes they desperately want to make and yet time and time again find that they are unable to sustain their willpower through the tough part.

Generally, the most popular resolutions included losing weight, getting fit, clearing clutter, quitting smoking, getting out of debt, finding a better job, be happier, become a better person, learn a new language, etc. Preferably all at once. 

Instead of, let's say, planning on losing 50 pounds, shoot for 3 lbs (this is Meg's suggestion) or aim for a fitness goal instead of a weight loss goal. It's less frustrating to have a goal of being able to run for 10 minutes than fit into your wedding dress or tux again.

Think about it - there's a reason that you aren't doing these things in the first place. Sometimes it is important to figure out how you are sabotaging yourself and deal with that first. I usually get people to put a little card in their wallet or purse and read it to themselves several times a day. On one side you list all the reasons that you want to make these changes (want to live a long time for your kids, have energy, etc) and on the other side all the likely obstacles you are going to face and your plan for dealing with them. For example, if you have a sweet tooth you could plan for a "no sugar" rule, or no snacking between meals, or you will chew gum instead (there's research that shows the gum thing can help!). The book Mindless Eating has lots of good "food rules" that you can choose from so you can lose weight mindlessly.

It does help to have a partner through all of this. Alberta Health Services has a great Stop Smoking program. There are nutritionists, Weight Watchers, personal trainers, psychologists who work on habits, and loads of self-help books (although the books are a little harder to sort through because there are so many of them). However, even having a diet or workout buddy can improve your chances that you are going to stick to your plan. If you don't have a buddy from your circle of friends, you don't have to search to long on the interest to find a group where you can hook up with someone to help keep you on track.

The most important suggestion that I can make though, is no matter what you feel you need to change in 2010, it is critically important that you don't beat yourself up when you come up against an obstacle. If you find yourself dragging yourself to the gym (because you hate going there) then stop going to the gym. If you hate your restrictive diet - then you need to find another sustainable way to eat healthy.  Focus first on just moving and eating more healthfully. Take a latin dance class. Find a way to sneak vegetables into your diet. Join the Calgary Outdoor Club, or a rowing club, or go skiing, or take tai chi, play Wii fit or active (Meg says this is way better than sitting on the couch -but you'll eventually have to do more to see big results), have a living room dance party. Just move. Even a 10 minute walk is better than nothing. Seriously.



I thought I would add one more quick post just in time for Christmas. Now is a time for many families to get together and enjoy the holidays. Unfortunately, for many people they are bracing themselves even before the event for criticism, rude behaviour, or in some cases outright war with their extended families.

In the week leading up to Christmas, I have been talking to person after person about how to stay calm through all the critical remarks, having dinner with grown step-children who hate you, or family members who are inconsiderate and leave you with all of the work. I have one girlfriend who I went to grad school with who would go a on very restrictive diet before she went home every Christmas because she found that easier than having to endure her father's comments about her weight!

My advice to everyone? Give up all hope of your family changing. They are who they are. They have their way of looking at the world and there's not much that you can do about it. Most, if not all of your suffering, comes from the fact that you wish that they treated you differently.

You have to practice patience if you want to stay peaceful around cranky Aunt Gertrude. Not easy, I know. But Aunt Gertrude is not going to change for you. I'm a psychologist and I know that I can't change anyone in my family. It doesn't even occur to me to try, even if I can clearly see what the problem is. 

One quick way that might help some of you change how you think about the family get togethers are the worksheets available on thework.com.  This is Byron Katie's website and she does a kind of spiritual cognitive therapy (although she doesn't hit you over the head with the spiritual stuff if that's not your thing). I like her worksheets and have been going through a ton of them this week with people who are stressed about their upcoming reunions. She also has many demonstration videos on her website that will help you see  how the process works. Don't worry if you get stuck though. Doing work like this takes practice and most people don't get it right on their first attempts.

I couldn't resist posting another Tale of Mere Existence though. I love this one because it shows how he was able to stay calm but assertive when his mother couldn't understand why he wouldn't eat fish. It's funny, but it's a good example of what we need to be aiming for when dealing with family who think they know what's best for us.

If you really aren't ready for this (or your family is dangerous to your mental and physical health) I'm all for staying in a hotel, spending Christmas with friends instead, or getting on the first plane to Maui. If that option feels like the right choice for you then go ahead and do it without guilt. You can only do, what you can do. 

Mele Kalikimaka!!!